Raven is 15 years old going on 5. Granted, this whole divorce thing has turned her world upside down and flipped around, but still......the girl is
the biggest drama queen. I had actually thought of just not telling her and letting her think her Dad was abducted by aliens and is allowed to come home 2 days a week, because that is just how much I did
not want to tell her. I kid, I kid. When I told her there were tears and lots of them. I talked to her and explained that it was for the best. She cried some more. I called her therapist and asked if we could go back to every week instead of every two weeks just to help her through this. So far so good. Now, since this happened she has said that she doesn't want to be home with us, she doesn't want to talk to us and just wants to be left alone. Now, I let this slide for a few weeks because I didn't want to stress her out and have her lose
more hair. But after her not being home for almost 2 weeks and only coming and going for money, food and clothes, I had had enough. I talked to her and said that this is our life now and she has got to learn to deal with it. Boy did she hate me. She was pissed!! But, I held strong and didn't back down. What came next surprised even
me! She had a list of things I am
not allowed to do. Here it is.....
- I'm not allowed to date. Ever. Forget ever getting married again because that would ruin her life all over again.
- I'm not allowed to go out. Ever again. God forbid if a man sees me all dressed up and looking good.
- I'm not allowed to look good. I need to cover up and stop wearing makeup.
- I can't have a night job. (I'm pretty sure she has an idea that I used to dance and is horrified that I may go back)
- I can't turn into one of "those crazy pet hoarders because I'm lonely". (Seriously, kid? WTF?)
That last one is my favorite. HAH! Because I would totally
hoard myself some chihuahuas. Look, I get it. She's a teenage girl going through a lot of shit. I
get it! Doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I love that she's fine and happy until I tell her she can't dye her hair pink, or I won't let her pierce her face
again or she
has to spend time with the family at the beach. Funny thing about making her spend time with us is, she
always has a good time. Always!! I think it's important to force your teenager to do something horrifying like spend time with their family or have family movie night. It's good for them!! She's lucky I don't make her play
Twister with us.
As far as her list of "Things My Mother Is Not Allowed To Do", I just said "Yes, dear. Don't worry. Mommy will have no life at all" and I really don't plan on dating or getting married anytime soon either. Unless of course
Michael Fassbender comes along and wants me, then I'm all over that!! ;)
5 thoughts:
Oh Raven. Sounds like she's really mad and scared and hurting and feels like she has no control over the stability of her life. I think it's really cool that she told you her concerns...even if at face value they seem ridiculous. For her to be honest with you about what's tearing her up inside is a pretty brave vulnerability, especially if she's still really pissed at you.
I think it's smart that you didn't let her disconnect but sat her down and told her that family still means together, even through catastrophe and that she has to face the monster that is her deep fear about this scenario. That's some brave and spot on guidance. It also sounds like it will be helpful to have a counselor on hand to help walk her through this scary stuff.
Hugs to you, Mama as you learn to work these ropes and balance her need for independence and the importance of connection. You're brave and right and true.
Thank you, Carlie! You are so right about everything. She is brave and she is doing great by talking to me. I just hope that she continues on talking to me and doesn't stray far from home. :( xoxoxoxo
I wonder-have you given her an idea of what you're going through? Kids are so egocentric, only thinking about what is affecting them.
But really, what the hell do I know? Nothing. Ground her (o;
Holly, you have no idea how hard it is for teenagers to think of someone else BESIDES themselves. They just can't do it! I'm usually very strong and never, ever cry in front of the kids, but she walked in on me crying and it kinda made her feel bad. She's been much better since. Just waiting on PMS to show up. o_O That's always fun! (-_-)
I think that may have been a good thing for Raven, seeing you hurt. I know I thought my parents were indestructible...and then once I saw the other side. Things totally changed between us and I learned that I needed to respect her more, not just obey her.
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